If I had been the director....

 

I probably would have cast Christian Bale as the Phantom in the movie.
Of course, I love Christian Bale, he plays dark characters well. He can also sing, though he does not do that often.

Nothing against Gerard Butler. He did a fantastic job. I like him too.

 

I love my rosemary plant. I took this beautiful picture of it, so I wanted to share. Never knew much about rosemary, but I bought a small plant last year because of its beautiful scent, and it has grown indoors very well in my sunroom. It has become one of my favorite plants. I cook with it occasionally but I usually just enjoy the scent that it fills my home with. I have grown to love this indoor herb garden bit. I hope to add some more soon. I never thought that growing edible and aromatic plants could be such therapy. I have always had plants, and I have many of them. An umbrella tree, a Norfolk pine, Boston fern, several pothos ivies, succulents, several flowers that moved indoors when the cold came (a geranium, forget-me-nots and a bucket of lantana), an african violet, cacti, and a rapidly increasing number of spider plants that have sprung from my VERY happy and growing spider plant. I love gardening very much so, and my recent venture into edible plants has been rewarding.

 

I am usually quite camera shy. I can look in myself in the mirror, but for some reason looking at myself in pictures is just not satisfying. Thin hair, large facial features...it's just not the 'me' in my head, but I took a chance and took a self portrait. This is me, a pretty decent rendition. :)

A GOOD friend.

The kind you can't live without.

My high school sweetheart is that. We have both experienced deep pains, many times together. We have hurt eachother, been hurt by eachother, been ungodly mad at eachother, and shared laughter beyond measure. HE is my friend for life. I love him very much, and can't imagine my life without him.

Nick, thank GOD we can be friends. I don't know what I would do without you. You help me remember who 'me' is. You keep me honest. :) I hope I am as good of a friend to you. I try.

The coming into...

Figuring out the 'you' is still there...right there.

Again, I blame my age. I have always blamed my age. I can remember even as a kid thinking about what my age meant, and thinking I should live up to it.
I am now a fading 27, nearing 30. So for the past few years I have really been pressing to find that 'self' that I have wanted to know. I have seemingly been backing right up to her. Don't tell anyone, but I think she has been there all along!

I downloaded some songs today. Old ones, from the past. I used to absolutely lose myself in music. I grew up a child of an alcoholic, he was physically and verbally abusive, and as I hit my preteens he became sexually abusive. My music became my savior. Namely Pearl Jam. I must say that they were the sheet I could hide under and lose myself in. Downloading all these old songs brought back so many old feelings and thoughts. The song 'Immortality' meant so much to me. I would put it on repeat every night before I went to bed and listen to it about 12 times before I turned it off. While most my friends were playing sports, and still enjoying being a kid somewhat, I was in my room with a guitar, listening to Pearl Jam and understanding pain, hurt, vengeance, anger, bitterness, rebellion, sex. I spent so much time of my childhood thinking adult thoughts. I practically drowned myself in them. It is very hard for a child that knows those things. It is virtually impossible for them to focus on anything. That is the purpose of such music.
"Cannot stop the thought from running in the dark" Pearl Jam, Immortality
"Mouthful of Cavities, and your souls a bowl of jokes" Blind Melon, Mouthful of Cavities, Live, Candlebox, Soundgarden... I LIVED in the music, in those songs, because my own life HURT, and the music soothed the pain. Adult thoughts lead to adult actions. Sex, Violence, Self-indulgence, Self-hatred. I lost my childhood so early on, it slipped away from me at first, then what was left stolen from me. I was angry about that for so long. Then accepted it. Then hated it. Then came years of more anger. Then accepted it again. 15 years later, after being violated by my own father, how do I feel about it? It still hurts. I am STILL angry. I don't feel like a victim so much, I just feel anger and the same feeling someone feels when they have their personal property stolen. Angst. Still. It is an anger I have allowed to stay. I don't dwell on it. I just look back on it, and anger wells up from somewhere within.

For years I thought it would go away, I would come to some peaceful decision about it 'Give it to God' and it would miraculously be 'OK'. It has not happened yet. It's just the way it is. Some emotions don't change. It is there within you somewhere. You set it on the shelf. Take it out every once in a while.

So now, nearing 30, I look back, and forward all at once. I see that that girl has been here all along. I shut her out thinking eventually all of that would die out. It hasn't. I'm glad for it. It has made me who I am. Bold. Without fear. Full of understanding. The world is not a strange place for me. I know its darkness, its temptations, its indulgences, its miracles and beauty. I have loved and lost, I know love and all of it's glory, all of its regret. I know what it is to live with a decision, right or wrong. I know what it is to look at what could have been. I know what it is to love life. I know what it is to hurt, to care, to struggle and still LOVE. I know what it is to love someone beyond measure. I know what it is to let go.



Guess what? Jennifer is still there. All of what was made what is. I wouldn't take it back. God led me through a dark valley, within it I feared and revelled at the same time. His path for me was not easy, but it has created a strong vibrant individual with an understanding that most do not have. Music has been my language.

So, looking back at all that has been, I am satisfied. I did not graduate college, I did not achieve a lot of dreams, but here I am. Happy.

THAT is something wonderful.

Friday Five....

Umkay, I missed the 'Thursday 13' thing and after the day I've had, I'm far too lazy for Friday fifteen, so here goes.

Friday Five.....5 COMPLAINTS from yours truly.....(followed by questions I should most likely ask a shrink)

1. I never stick up for myself when it comes to my mother. ( What causes this? )
2. I am perplexed by people who put the status quo first. (What is wrong with people?)
3. I scratch my head at people that think I am sacrificing myself for my children. (is there anything more important right now, really??? I mean, bars are cool and all, but I think I saw enough of them back in college...)
4. I hate empty apologies. ( Why do people say sorry, even if they don't even know what they are apologizing for? )
5. Some men are really just babies, mine included. (WHY OH WHY can my husband not just wash his pants or make a lunch???? I MEAN REALLY!!!!)

A perfect picture at one of our favorite hiking spots, Lair O'the Bear.

Aww....Look at us. All grown up. :)

Today I have made a realization. I must be a gypsy.
Because, while somewhere within me, I wish for a place to call my own, a home, with some land, a garden, maybe a small aviary, the majority is completely resistant to that thought. Home is not a place, and in my life, homes have been very much undependable. David and I have both grown up moving every few years. At one time I thought, that was terrible, and I never want to do that to my kids. However, I think the tragedy for me was not in the moving, but in that the one place we did end up always coming back to is the one I disliked the most. So naturally, I do not want to be anywhere near there, and am not despite my mother's urging. When I think of the things I love the most about being alive, I don't think about anything having to do with 'settling down' somewhere in some town, in someplace. I have done so much thinking on this, trying to convince myself I would be perfectly happy in some little house down in Texas near my family, maybe Austin. You know, I would not be happy. I am happy now, where we are, planning for the future, our goals and dreams. It is a big world out there, and there are a dozen places calling my name. I can't for the life of me imagine putting down roots right now. I think it might be my age, but on the other hand, I know people my age that are excited about getting settled. I want to go and discover. For now, there are two places I am considering. I would love to experience Canada, a maybe just for a couple of years, and of course Scotland. What about my kids? I don't know. What about my kids. I suppose there will be a time that they will want to stay put for awhile...and I suppose they will have a hard time figuring out exactly what 'home' is. Or will they?

I am not done with this subject. It is a constant evaluation within me. I think it is the pressure my mother puts on me about living in Texas. I don't feel like I should live where she would like me to live. I should go where I please. When my little girls, sweet and beautiful as they are want to go, wherever it is they want to go when they are grown, I will be happy. Because I know the drive within, I know the great things out there, and I want them to know them too. It is what being alive is all about. Feeling the chill in the air at 11,000 ft., putting your feet in the Atlantic Ocean, sleeping under a million stars, feeling the rush of a waterfall, seeing the beauty in all creatures and all lands everywhere.

Heroic Blood

"If you don't know your family's history, then you don't know anything. You are a leaf that doesn't know it is part of a tree."
~Micheal Crichton

Last night I watched Braveheart. I love that movie. I hated it when it first came out, unaware of my Scottish roots and genetic ties to it. Robert 'The Bruce' is one of my ancestors. He narrates the story of William Wallace in the movie, and as most who know the movie, becomes a traitor and takes the side of the nobles. In the end, it is Wallace that inspires him to become a great leader, and his efforts won independence for Scotland. It is an inspiring movie, especially when you know it is a real story, and you are a tiny piece of it. Sure, an uncounted number of my ancestors were just thieves and cattle rievers, but many, like Rob Roy MacGregor, had a life of legend.

My ancestry bears a thousand men and women that fought for the things we forget we have. My veins bear the blood of heroes, and also those of whom only their name is known, their stories have long since faded in time. Left bloodied on the battlefield, or the bottom of the ocean, no doubt the greatness they displayed is unfathomable, and more often than not, forgotten. Kings, queens, revolutionaries, freedom fighters, warriors, knights, soldiers whose bravery lies untold. Who am I, that I should be given a body that shares its history with them? What boldness have I? No doubt, the heroes in my blood have succeeded, if I sit here unbothered by war, untouched, unscathed by any danger other than the swinging sickle of death brought on not by war or revolution, but time and accident. Brilliant stories from the past have meaning when read, no matter who you are, but when you are aware that you share the same blood with the hero that sacrificed so much and fought so hard, there are simply few words to define it. At the same time I wonder how can I honor them? My life filled with such simplicities, is hardly an honor to something so great. My life can become so trivial, lacking any kind of valor or heroic act. I have spent so much time wrecked over things in life that didn't go my way. I have moped about the hand that was dealt, all along ignoring what is in my veins. There are things worth fighting for. There is a peace worth saving. There is a freedom still crying out for preservation. What will I bring to the table? What will I leave behind?

Inspiring websites about some of my more heroic ancestors:

http://www.guykemper.com/index.html
http://www.isidore-of-seville.com/robroy/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/bruce_robert_the.shtml
http://www.marileecody.com/maryqosimages.html
http://www.jesus-is-lord.com/kinginde.htm
http://www.clangregor.org/history-graves.html

Snow

Bright, pure, silent.
Something within it quiets the night.
The air that surrounds it fills me with life.
At night the moon casts it's light,
and the snow returns it in a soft glow,
that gives you the sense that time has been lost.

There is no better moment
than one spent alone
in the glow of fallen snow.